CrashBoomBang

I won’t go back.

I know that 2 lbs gained IS NOT a big deal! However, this is my first official gain since I started this journey in May, so it honestly does feel like a big setback to me. Objectively, though, I know I sound like a big old whiner to complain about 2 stupid pounds. The thing is, and as crazy as this sounds, this is precisely where I would have given up in the past. Yep, despite losing more than 50 lbs and completely changing my approach to life, this is where I would have said, “Screw it, I’m a failure, I’m better off being fat,” and thrown my running shoes to the back of the closet, and spent a weekend watching old episodes of “Sex and the City” while eating potato chips and homemade brownies and ignoring my friends before not stepping on the scale Monday morning. Oh, I wish I could say I was exaggerating there, but I cannot tell you how many times in the past I’ve engaged in any and all of those behaviors.

I won’t go back.

In fact, here’s a list of reasons to not go back:

1. Friends, and the experiences I share with them, are more important than food, and way more fun than being lonely and fat. Since May, I have been more social than ever in my life and it’s heaven to give and receive support from these people who I used to avoid or make excuses to not see.

2. So many people have faith and belief that I can do this: friends, family, BuddySlimmers, Trainer Daniel and my fellow boot camp classmates and, most importantly, I have faith and belief that I can do this! A first, by the way.

3. I am really, really broke right now and, having thrown away or donated all my bigger clothes, simply cannot afford to buy more! Sounds like I’m joking, but it’s absolutely true!

4. I’m just starting to understand how to feel and be sexy, and not only will I not let that frighten me, but I will embrace it and have fun!

5. There are people on this site who are fighting bigger battles and have some really intense obstacles, and are not swayed on their journey. Even if life events compel them to gain a bunch of weight or stop exercising, they never give up. People here have seen marriages fall apart, had to flee abuse (or are living with it),  raising children, taking care of parents, are managing school and/or multiple jobs, and have to cope with huge health issues in themselves and those they love…and they never give up. I owe it to these people, some I know and some I don’t, to stay on this journey. It’s disrespectful and dishonorable not to.

6. If it takes me a year or 5 years to get where I want to be, it’s still far less time than I spent being fat, and (better yet!) far less time than I have to enjoy being fit.

7. Turning my back on health and wellness is turning my back on joy, adventure and life itself.

8. Not giving up forces me to continue making myself my own first priority. As long as I’m vigilant in my choices, and putting myself first, I know I can ultimately be there for everybody else. Feeling great and healthy makes me a better friend, sibling, daughter, co-worker, volunteer, dog owner, neighbor and, eventually, lover.

9. I want to inspire others…how can I do that while eating Chubby Hubby and sitting on my couch?

10. I love falling in love with myself.

There you have it…2 lbs gained, and what I’ve learned from it.

I won’t go back.

Good morning, Everybody! The results are in, and as of this morning, I think I’ve only lost 4 lbs this boot camp, which is sad! ;-( BUT! I’ve taken 47 seconds off my mile! The first timed mile a month ago was 12:12; today’s was 11:15!! How great is that? So, the weight is what it is, fluctuations or not, but nobody can take that mile time away from me!

We’ll see what happens in a week, when I do Camp #3!

Okay, I have to go prepare for my employee evaluation meeting with my boss today…wish me luck!

Happy Weekend, BuddySlimmers!

The past couple days have shown me some pretty wild fluctuations on the scale. (Nobody tell me not to weigh myself everyday, please! It is my choice to do so, and I believe it keeps me accountable and engaged with my own body.) I rarely (and luckily!) see scale fluctuations, since I don’t often suffer from PMS and am pretty good about managing things like sleep and my sodium intake. When the scale goes up, it’s typically very gradual, and is easily traceable to poor eating, alcohol and/or lack of exercise! I was all set to fly off in a panic, but then I got a grip, and went to go workout. I was very objective during my workout, and realized how strong I’m becoming. I can do a side plank pose now; I can do a “rocking” Superman; and I can jump rope for six (SIX!) 30-second intervals in the space of 5 minutes.

I’m not saying I’m not worried about my weight; of course I’m worried, I’m always worried! But I also need to keep some perspective and keep looking at the big picture during this whole process. So I gain a couple pounds this week for whatever reason, is it such a big deal? Not, I think, as big a deal as having a 123/80 bp reading, or running a mile without stopping, or having clear skin, even!

Um, and here’s a kind of weird/gross question for you all (or anybody who’s not too grossed-out to answer it!): Does exercise reduce body odor? I feel like it must, because I’m sweating more than I ever have in my life during workouts, am still showering normally, but I feel like I just smell better. Or rather, I don’t smell at all! Not even while I’m working out. I also feel like lotions and perfume smell “cleaner” on me now, and seem to last longer. I’m pretty sure my breath has improved, too. Hmm. It would make sense, just the idea of flushing toxins/ impurities/whatever, but I don’t know if there’s actually any medical or biological truth to this. If any of the gajillion nurses/dieticians/exercise experts want to weigh in on this, please do! I’m definitely curious!

There are my thoughts for now. Oh, and also, I’ve been reading a lot of really inspirational blogs lately! It’s good to see, because last week I felt like we all needed a big group hug, it was so depressing around here! The weekend’s in sight, everybody…let’s end the week STRONG!

So, the past two days I’ve been eating too much, period. Not a big deal, I just need to watch it, reign it in and keep exercising. Two people today, though, have asked me how things are going on the fitness front. I said, “Oh, fine, but for whatever reason I’m eating like a very hungry horse this week!” Both people, with the best intentions, said, “Oh, but that’s okay! You need to give yourself a break, you’ve been working so hard, you’ve earned it, blahblahblah.” I wanted to scream! I know they were being kind and supportive in their way, but I’ve officially decided I don’t believe in “taking breaks”. This is my life, I don’t get breaks! I have days, even weeks or, down the road, possibly months, where I make poor, inconsistent or flat-out unhealthy choices. I try to make good choices more often than not. But a break? For me, that is not a good way to look at it. Here’s what “taking a break” implies for me:

* That this is a chore, a task or something unpleasant that “deserves” a break. Well, hell, if I start looking at eating well and exercising healthfully as a duty, not a pleasure or celebration of my own life, I am in serious trouble!

* That this is a diet…read just about any post of mine at random, and you’ll see how I feel about that!

* That poor choices are, by virtue of being a treat, somehow better than the healthful choices. A break is a vacation, a relief from something.  Taking a break and, say, going to Maui is way more fun than work, right? So if chocolate cake or a double serving of pasta is break food, than we automatically empower that food as being “better” than other, healthier foods that do more to promote wellness.

* And, finally, my #1 reason I object to “taking a break”–it implies that there are forbidden foods that we shouldn’t eat. GRRRRR! My buddies know by now how I feel about this concept!  You know what? If I want to have a 600 calorie piece of coconut cake everyday, I can darn well do that. It’s not the best choice; I’d sacrifice other, more nutritious calories to fit it in; and I’d feel pretty crappy, but the point is that I can make that choice if I want, and take responsibility for it. In fact, if you told me I could never have coconut cake again, not in my whole life, my first impulse would be to go down to the Ohana Hawaiian bakery and pick myself up a whole damn cake and eat about half of it in one sitting!

Full disclosure…my BIG exception to this is soda! I haven’t officially forbidden it, but I also haven’t had it since May, either!

I really feel that the language around “taking breaks” and “cheat days”, while helpful for others, puts me in a negative mindset. It pulls me farther away from embracing the lifestyle change concept, and makes me feel like I can bounce back and forth between healthy and unhealthy choices without consequences. In my own experience, this just isn’t true or effective. More power to those that can do this, and I won’t judge you for it, but I simply can’t get on board with that thinking anymore.

Another great class today! The class itself was absurdly difficult, and there were 2 series of moves where I had to move at half-speed just to keep my form. Daniel, being the amazing trainer he is, knew I was struggling, but also trying really hard, chose right then to come over and tell me how good I look, and how much thinner. Smart guy, that D.!

Then we did a mile. There was almost a rebellion, because even the veterans were grumpy, and were all, “A mile? On a Monday? In the freakin’ rain? After 45 minutes of brutality already? WTF?” But, we ran it, and I took TEN seconds off my time three weeks ago! Only 2 of us improved our time today, so I felt great. I was dead last again, at 12:02, but my first timed mile a couple months ago was 12:45, so I’m defintely improving, at least.

The best part was the end of class, when Daniel look at the clock and said, “Congratulations, gang, on burning through 500 calories before 6:30 in the morning!”

I hope I’m doing well with food today. This morning I had an apple and string cheese pre-workout, and 2 eggs and an entire bunch of roasted asparagus post-workout. Since getting to work, I’ve had celery w/almond butter and a serving of Fage’s 2% yogurt with honey. Honestly, after this morning’s workout, I am ravenous and just hope I don’t cross the line between “eating for energy” “eating too much because I can justify it”!

Happy Monday, all!

Yes! I’ve lost four pounds this week! I don’t understand how or why, outside of being diligent about water and sleep. I had a couple really well-planned eating days, and a couple good workouts, but it certainly didn’t feel like a 4 lb. week!

Anyway, the party last night was really, really fun! I baked for my food contribution–peanut butter fudge cake and also chewy ginger bars. The cookbook for the bars had nutritional info, so I was able to just eat one! At 111 cals and 8g fat per tiny bar, one seemed plenty. After that, I wasn’t even tempted to touch the peanut butter thing…lord only knows what the fat/cal content was in one serving of that! Ate before I went, so when I go the party all I had was a glass of wine (my shy self still needs help loosening up at these things!), and a plate of raw veggies, no dip. I sooo wanted the hostess’s slow-cooked roast beef sandwiches, but once I found out she used powdered gravy mix, I figured I didn’t want that much sodium the night before a weigh-in day! Geeky, but true. Oh, I also had about 6 16 oz. cups of water, lol!

I also had some interesting attention from an old semi-crush! I knew him years ago, when he was a friend’s roommate, but we rarely interacted. Then when the friend had her going-away party in 2005, he drunkenly told me he had a crush on me! Nothing happened at all, and we didn’t see each other again until last night. His girlfriend was there, which is depressing to think about when he and I totally clicked, and had a great conversation about random things. He also freely commented on my body, saying I looked good, and slimmer than the last time he saw me. I told him that was a relief, because I’d also gained a lot of weight since the last time he saw me! He said he’d actually heard that, too. Icky to think my friends were gossiping about my weight gain somewhere along the line, but I guess I do the same thing, like it or not! His girlfriend seemed nice enough, and they’re pretty serious, living together and everything. Bummer! I wish I could say they’re rocky, or she’s a bitch, but no…I should be happy he’s got a nice girlfriend, I guess!

Alright, I’m off to breakfast with a friend–mmm, eggs and bacon, here I come!

Okay, I am absolutely not trying to ruffle any feathers or upset anybody with this post! This is just a random stream of thought I’ve been having today, and am unsure how to articulate it…thought about making it private, but I really would like people’s thoughts and experiences, if you’re willing to share!

So, I’m trying to make peace with some realities about the world we live in. Lately I’ve been noticing that people are treating me differently. Places I go all the time, like the dog park, bus, grocery store, work sites…people now look directly at me, and wait for my answer when they ask a question. And I know the party line on this is “You’re more confident, so people will treat you accordingly.” Well, sure…to a point. But come on! We ALL know that society is generally kinder to people who are more healthy, fit, attractive, etc. So, I’m trying to move past the whole “But you didn’t like me when I was fat!” line of thinking, and just accept these changes for what they are.  It’s hard. I want to believe it’s all confidence and security, and that might be true a lot of the time, but look at it this way: Two single women are on opposite sides of the same party. Both are confident, and both could be described as “pretty,” and one is 50 lbs heavier. Which one will be flirted with more? Which one will be “friended” on social networking sites the next day? I’m not saying this to make us feel badly about ourselves, but basing it on my own experience. I am a shy person, true, but I am unable to completely discount American society’s general perception of what is “attractive.”

I’m not sure what I hope to accomplish in this post, except to maybe smooth the chip on my shoulder, and move on with my progress!  Off to a party tonight, so perhaps I can put my own theories to the test!

Hope everybody’s having a great weekend so far!

WOW! So, just as yesterday was the easiest boot camp class ever, today was the hardest! Has it ever happened to you where you’re working out, and it becomes almost an out-of body experience? It’s like you’re so focused, and working so hard, your mind leaves your body. That’s what today was, and It. Was. Awesome. The craziest thing we did were “table push-ups,” where one person was the table (facing up, hands and feet on floor, knees bent), and the other person’s legs were across their partners thighs, and they had to do 20 push ups. They were sooo hard, but also fun and totally unlike anything I’d ever done in my life. We also did 2 sets of 100 jumping jacks; jump rope intervals, running planks, backwards sprints and bunny-hop races.  It was so much fun, and I feel so great having started my day like that!

Here’s my question: are there any workouts that stand out for you? A particular class/session/run/whatever where you hit that magic zone, where you inspired yourself? Or broke through some personal barrier or plateau? Did something you didn’t think you could do, and totally raised your own game?

I am determined to my as stellar in my food choices as I was yesterday! I’m not going to have such an amazing workout undone by eating crap food and empty calories. (Thus explaining the three-egg omelet and 2 cups of bell pepper I’m eating right now!)

Think it’s a slow day at work, will try and hop on later to visit blogs. Happy Friday to one and all!

Hi, guys! Blogging early today because I’m going to try and be in bed before 9 tonight!

So, today’s class was bizarre. Daniel spent around 30-35 minutes just leading us through deep strectches. They were yoga-inspired, but it was nowhere near the intensity of a yoga class. His whole thing was that he wanted us to feel good, even great, today. He did lots of motivational talking today, and was also making us laugh a lot of the time, with singing, joking and general silliness. Then we spent maybe 10 minutes doing serious ab work, but even then none of us really broke a sweat. Then we wrapped up class doing even more stretching/core breathing exercises. I was next to one of the veterans, and even she was puzzled at the end of class. I mean, it was fun, and felt really good, and nobody felt like they’d been cheated out of a “real” class, but it was definitely a different direction for Daniel to go in!

And, somewhat ominously, he ended class by saying, “Hope you guys maximized the stretches today, ’cause tomorrow’s gonna be tough!” Somehow, I think he meant it!

Eating today has been very, very good! One of my “sabotaging” co-workers keeps offering me homemade cinnamon bread (”I know you love cinnamon!” and “But I brought it for you!” and “Oh, just one piece won’t kill you!”), and finally I said to her, in a kitchen full of people, “That’s sweet you thought of me, but I’ve been really sensitive to sugar triggers lately, and just can’t eat that right now.” She started in again, and finally my boss said, “Um, I think Jessica was pretty clear right there about not wanting to eat the bread.” (YAY for my boss!) I swear, though, it felt like one of those afterschool specials, where all the “bad” kids are trying to get the new kid to drink/smoke/whatever, and the “cool” kid tells them to knock it off!

It’s shaping up to be a good day. Off to the mall, to pick up my soup and salad after checking out the on-line nutrition guide, of course!

Have a great day, buddies, friends and fellow BuddySlimmers!

So, I blogged ages ago about my weird intimacy issues, and have a ton of private blogs trying to work some stuff out. (See, I don’t tell you guys everything, it just seems like it!;-)  Anyway, I’m making progress on my weird shyness/relationship-phobia.

Today we had an all-staff meeting, and the cutest fella was directly across from me in the big circle we were arranged in. I don’t actually know him (different department…darn!), but I seriously could not look away from him. And this is going to sound weird, but I actually made eye contact with him, and felt like this was a really, really big deal for me. I know, normal people have no problem with Flirting 101, but I really, really do! Nothing happened, but it felt good and healthy to look at somebody and smile, and have them smile back,  just because they’re attractive. Baby steps for me, people, baby steps!;-)

But tonight, the craziest thing ever happened. Okay, I’m being dramatic, but again…my perspective on these things is a little strange. I met a friend of a friend almost a year ago (her boyfriend at the time, actually, but now they’re just buddies), and we Facebooked each other, but I haven’t seen or spoken to him since. Well. Let me just copy and paste the message he sent me (out of the blue people!) tonight:

Subject: New Pic!!!

You look AMAZING in your pic! Good to see ya. And not livestock Haha. I would totally be double taking you in that office =P I would be like “hey baby, come here often?… to work?” For real tho, best smile EVER! btw I didn’t know you were born in ‘74… me too. I’m your elder haha. And I look it lol

How great is that?! It’s goofy and a little strange (and I used to have a chicken as my profile pic on FB, too, hence the livestock reference), but it totally gave me a boost! Awww…I’m really trying to work through the dating stuff, and I feel like I’m getting sooo much closer than when I started this whole process!

Thanks for bearing with me. I know it’s not really weight-loss related, but since a lot of my food/body issues are related to self-esteem/confidence, etc., it all seems related somehow! Cheers!